A Liturgy for Sharing Grief

By RABBI ARTHUR WASKOW

As the blood rains down between the two families of Abraham—the families of Hagar and Sarah, Ishmael and Isaac—let us think about how the biblical stories of this family work on Rosh Hashanah, and what we can do about and with them.

Traditionally (in congregations that observe two days of Rosh Hashanah), we read how Abraham:

1. sent Hagar and Ishmael out into the wilderness, where they almost died until God revealed the "Well of the Living One Who Sees Me" (Genesis 21; see also Genesis 16); and
2. took Isaac up the mountain to be offered up to God, refraining from killing him only at the last moment when a messenger of God stays his hand and he names the place "The Mount Where God Sees" (Genesis 22).

The Rosh Hashanah readings end there. But the story doesn't.

In Genesis 25:9-11 we learn that Abraham's sons Isaac and Ishmael came together to bury him. It is only in this passage that they are named together as "Abraham's sons," as if to teach us that they became truly his sons—and together—only by joining in their grief. Only after that were they able to live face to face with each other; Isaac goes to live at the Well of the Living One Who Sees Me. (Genesis 25: 18).

Note that the two are able to live together only after they have mourned the most dangerous and threatening person in their lives.

From this I suggest drawing a lesson of what we can do to begin lessening feelings of rage, and encouraging feelings of grief, among Jews and Palestinians about the deaths of members of our two peoples at the hands of the other—at the hands of those who are dangerous and threatening to each of our peoples.

Wherever possible, Jewish and Arab groups (in Israel, the US, or elsewhere) should arrange for public ceremonies of grief and mourning for both those Israeli Jews and those Palestinians who have been killed by violence from the other side in the current conflict. The ceremony could include the recitation of the names of those who have been killed. (The names of the dead of both communities, listed according to their status, the status of those who killed them, and place of death, are available on the Web at www.btselem.org. When you get to this site, click on "Current Intifada" and then on "Statistics" and then on "Persons Killed.")

Where joint ceremonies cannot be arranged, Jewish groups should publicly express their grief at all these deaths, and Arab groups should do the same. The decision of one community to do this should not be made conditional on the decision of the other. An authentic sense of grief over these deaths does not depend on anyone else's willingness to express that grief.

Among Jews, one appropriate and important time to do this would be on Yom Kippur, after the ten days in which we are to do teshuvah—turning our lives in more just, peaceful, and holy directions. The traditional Torah reading on Yom Kippur morning includes a passage in which the High Priest sends one goat out into the wilderness (like Ishmael) and sacrifices another—on the same mountain where according to tradition Isaac was bound for sacrifice.

As these two goats echo Isaac and Ishmael, they can be seen as our Yom Kippur act of teshuvah: no, we will not do this to human beings. And then we stop doing it to goats as well; we tell only the story.

We should also read on Yom Kippur the Torah's passage about Abraham's death—either as an additional Yom Kippur Torah reading, or for communities where this seems halakhically or liturgically difficult, the passage could be read as "study," not ceremonially from the Torah scroll.

Immediately after reading this, the congregation could recite the names—now more than 600—of both Palestinians and Jews who have been killed in the conflict of the past year. This could be followed by congregational discussion, in a Torah-study atmosphere, about how this passage bears on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and then either the full Mourners Kaddish or just its last paragraph (to distinguish this from the Kaddish said in memory of one's closest beloveds).

In this Oseh Shalom paragraph, a prayer for peace, after "v'al kol Yisrael—and over the whole (people of) Israel," the phrase "v'al kol Yishmael—and over the whole (people of) Ishmael" could be added, so that we are praying for peace and harmony for the Jewish people and for the Palestinian people.

When either community mourns the deaths only of those on "its side" who have been killed by those on "the other side," the outcome is often more rage, more hatred, and more death. If we can share the grief for those dead on both "sides," we are more likely to see each other as human beings, and move toward ending the violence.