Beginning at Home: Raising Menshes

By HELEN MINTZ BELITSKY

When my son, Aaron, was little, sometimes we found ourselves stuck in a line at the supermarket behind an elderly woman slowly counting out her change. A super-active child, my son would chew his fingernails and mutter impatiently to himself, making it plain he had no sympathy for her slowness.

What does Judaism have to say about how to behave in such a situation? How does Judaism challenge us to teach our children about everyday moral behavior?

Modeling Menshlichkeit

"Let the dignity of other people be as important to you as your own," we learn in Pirkei Avot or Ethics of the Fathers. Judaism is about deeds, and parents can emphasize this basic value by regularly showing how it translates into everyday actions. Even the two loaves of challah on the Shabbat table have a lesson to teach us. Why, ask the Rabbis, do we cover them? To save the bread the "embarrassment" of being blessed last, after the wine.

If our rituals teach us compassion for the feelings of a loaf of bread, how much more so do they teach us about caring for the feelings of other human beings!

The Hebrew word for parents is horim, which has the same root as the word for "teachers." To talk about raising a moral child, you have to accept yourself as the ultimate teacher of moral values, reflecting on how your own actions are guided by Jewish values and understanding your profound influence on your children.

Children watch you intently. Your choices and deeds build ethical memories within them. These memories, more than anything else they learn, will guide them as they choose between "What is the decent thing to do?" and "What's in it for me?"

You may not have a clue that your child is tuning in to your behavior, says Gene Ridberg, a psychologist in Kensington, Maryland whose practice includes many children. When you engage in even the smallest dishonesty—cheating on a restaurant bill, or keeping the extra change a store gives you—you're passing along a message about values. "When your message is not consistent with the values you preach," Ridberg explains, "a child feels vulnerable, making it harder to have the courage or the incentive to make moral choices later on in life."

Ridberg's counsel made me think about the significance of small daily actions—replacing something on a store shelf, or reluctantly passing over a handicapped parking space. "We build memories in our children," says Richard Joel, father of five and international director of the B'nai B'rith Hillel Foundation, "by seizing the moment and drawing a lesson from it."

Kid's Friendships and Learning What's Right

For my own parents, the rabbi and rebbitzen (a Yiddish word which means "rabbi's wife" but which refers to a woman with a communal role unto herself) of a large synagogue in the Flatbush section of Brooklyn, conscience and the "rightness" of things was important in human relationships. I grew up with a strong sense of morality about being a friend. I still remember my father taking me to task about the hurt I was inflicting on my best friend when we fought and I encouraged our classmates to be on my side. "All right," I remember saying as a 10-year-old, "I'll forgive her." He made it plain that forgiveness was not the issue.

The arbitrary canceling of plans with friends, to me, is hurtful and even immoral. I taught my son such a lesson when as a first grader he invited his best friend for a sleepover on a Saturday night. Aaron spent the day in high anticipation. The phone rang after Havdalah, and his friend's mother told me that her son had changed his mind. Aaron was crushed, and at that moment we began to talk about what it means to be a good friend.

Blu Greenberg, author of the acclaimed How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household, saw a lesson to be learned from her daughter's slumber party when she insisted that a classmate not be excluded. Peer pressure made the battle tough, but Greenberg was firm—being a mentsh, a decent person, overrides being popular.

Hard Choices, Giving Something Up

Ethics in all things was Judge Abner Mikva's credo. He retired as White House counsel after a distinguished career as a congressman and an appeals court judge. His daughter Rachel, now a Chicago Reform rabbi, recalls standing with him at a bank's ATM machine when she was a child. "That day he tried to withdraw $25," she said. "To his surprise, out came $400. My father returned the cash immediately, and he also used it as a way to talk to me about honesty."

Winning is appealing, sometimes making decency a hard choice. As a 15 year old, Rabbi Neil Gillman, professor of Jewish philosophy at the Jewish Theological Seminary of America, found it hard to make the moral choice when, as a Color War captain, he always used a one-armed member of this team last. "I remember telling him not to swing, to take a walk on balls," Gillman admits. As a father, Gillman created a set time for talking about ethics with this children. "Sara and I used our Friday night table to air our own conflicts and ethical dilemmas, creating a setting in which kids could bring their problems to us for feedback."

Jewish Life, Jewish Values

Building ritual and observance into family life helps children feel secure. "Explaining the meaning of Jewish rituals to children," says Rabbi Yitzchak Breitowitz, "teaches them a lot about the moral values inherent in Judaism. Sabbath candlelighting taps into a child's need for continuity, predictability, and safety." When mitzvot, concrete expressions of Jewish values, are intimate and personal they have power, and prayer suffuses a home with safety and peace.

Charity, or tzedakah, a central precept in Judaism, teaches compassion for others. Rabbi Nina Beth Cardin reminds us that there are many wonderful ways parents and children can work together on a tzedakah project. Every parent, Cardin says, knows how—surrounded by torn gift paper, high-tech games and sports gear—children are often dazed by the sense of plenty at their birthday party. "We wrap the duplicate toys and games and bring them to a shelter in our area. Because they are sharing what belongs to them, they are doing their own tzedakah, not mine." Ridberg adds that tzedakah creates inner strength and well-being in a child, who learns to share without feeling deprived.

Rabbi Avis Miller of Adas Israel Congregation in Washington, D.C. believes that observing mitzvot shows children that some responsibilities must be taken care of immediately and cannot wait. When the sun sets, it's time for Shabbat. When someone is bereaved, there are a prescribed number of days in which to pay a shiva call. Teaching children to accept responsibility helps them build self-esteem

Greenberg used the mitzvah of visiting the sick to teach her children about the Jewish concept of z'man kavua, or a set time. "When one of my children was sick, it was the rule in the house that when the kids came home from school, they would pay a visit to the sick room. It had to be before their snack, TV or a game."

Bedtime prayer is another example of a ritual performed at a set time. Reciting the Shema together creates a quiet, intimate moment of family closeness, love, and a feeling of inner strength [see a related article on "Creative Bedtime Rituals"]. "When I finish reading to my children," Cardin says, "I recite the portion of the bedtime Shema having to do with the angels and God standing guard over us. I bless my children, touch them and hold them, invoke God's presence, and create in them a sense of self-worth."

As our children grow up, we tend to blame ourselves for their failures and attribute their successes to destiny. I'm slow to admit I had anything to do with it, but Aaron is one of the most empathetic people I know. A couple of years ago, for example, he experienced the violent death of three friends and their father, who were murdered in their Potomac home. In becoming a reliable anchor for the mother, Aaron drew on the lessons of compassion we taught him. He visited her every day during the week of shiva, bringing a special quality of commitment to the Jewish value of comforting the mourner. For many weeks after, he called her every day and now, months later, he remains in touch with her through visits and phone calls.

If you asked him about it, I'm sure he would say it would never occur to him to do otherwise.